Sunday, September 7, 2008

War with Mom

My mother and I have a very interesting relationship with one another. Though we are very close, we do spend the majority of our time in some type of argument or fight. Nothing, serious of course, but it's always something. She calls, I'm then rude, she asks the "wrong" questions, I complain, she thinks I hate her, and we hang up. It's a neverending cycle. What's sad though is we always get into the fights over the same questions every time. And if you know my mother, you will know what that topic is, yup you guessed it, BOYS! Or normally just one boy, but you get the picture. Now, I know that she loves me with all of her heart and I truly love her with all of mine, but this topic and her together absolutely drive me insane! And it's not that I don't want to talk to her about my relationships; it's just that I feel like it's the only thing she really cares about. And I know thats not completely true, but I do know that is a main focus to her. And I'm the kind of girl who would love to be in a relationship and I like boys, but it is definitely not the number one priority in my life and I never want it to be. So the fact that she wants to make it the number one topic of discussion always sets me off. And after we get in the little arguments, I always feel terrible and agree to myself to not let it get to me and just to give her what she wants, but every time it still results in failure and I'm too stubborn to just let go.

Another reason, why our conversations always leads to yelling, tears, or hurt feelings is because she can read me so well that normally she hits the head on absolutely everything. I am the girl who denies her emotions. Not just to others, but to myself, probably most of all! And somehow my mom can read through my deception and get the truth out and I hate it! I hate feeling vulnerable and apparent and she is the only one that seems to have the power to do so. There is a reason I hide my feelings from people and myself, but she always digs and then exposes me for the fraud I am. And I say I hate this and on the outside, I truly do, but in the long run I know it's whats best for me. Deep down, I do want to share my feelings and thoughts with people, but it's always just too hard. If noone knows the truth, noone will know my pain and I can always fake that smile. But sometimes the only way to get over that pain is to share it with others and then you can let it go.

I am very lucky to have the mother I have. She loves me more than life and I can tell by everything that she does for me daily. I know that she asks questions and calls me hourly because she cares about my life and wants to watch me succeed and grow into the woman I was meant to be. And I am very thankful for that, I obviously don't show it all the time, or even most of the time, but I can't explain how greatful I truly am and how everything she does for me and my friends mean the world to me! So no matter how much we fight or argue I respect my mother and love her with absoluly everything I have because I will always be her baby and she will always be my mommy!

1 comment:

Gina said...

I often forget how much alike you and I really are because of the difference in our age and the places we are in our lives but when I was in college I was sooo similar and so was my relationship with Mom. I think that in some ways I was even more guarded than you...but I could be wrong. (It's been a long time.) Love you. Miss you.